Failing Often Means I Keep Trying

I’ve loved words since I fell in love with my very first picture book at age 2–Prince Bertram the Bad by Arnold Lobel.

Prince Bertram even kind of looked a little like me.

Well his hair, anyway.

 prince

And falling in love with poetry happened a little while later, when I discovered a flood-stained volume of Kipling’s poems in my neighbor’s trash.

 kip

I read the poems aloud, and though I didn’t understand much at age 3, I felt their rhythms were a kind of magic. A musical incantation calling forth life.

But sometimes, these days, my head is too full of words.

Overwhelmed by news and media.

 too many

And I crave something creative to do with my hands that doesn’t call for words. 

hand bulb

So, some of you may know I was thinking about taking up crochet or knitting.

Something to do with my hands while watching Netflix that is more productive and less caloric than feeding my face with salty snacks.

Plus, pretty blankets.

crochet vs knit

Well, 17,000 hours of watching YouTube how-to videos later, and lots of salty snacks along the way…

I have officially failed at both.

Really, I gave it lots of effort.

Even sought real life advice from experts.

fail 2

But it’s something to do with my lack of manual dexterity.

An inability to tension the yarn.

Who knew it would be that hard?

Not me.

tension yarn

So what did I do?

I researched aids to help tension the yarn.

I discovered 5 different aids and tried them all.

Didn’t help.

fail 1

Now, I’ve always kind of known I’m a klutz.

Never could jump rope without getting tangled up.

I trip over invisible bumps in the sidewalk.

If there’s even one bit of ice, my foot finds it–and boom–down I go.

fail 3

But I refuse to give up all hope.

Stubborn that way.

Or maybe stupid.

Or determined.

Oftentimes, I can’t tell the difference and just keep plodding on.

And that’s a kind of success too.

fail 4

So, I’m coming for you afghan loom.

Who can’t twist yarn around a little peg, right?

Gonna find out.

afghan

I’ll check back in with you guys with or without afghan.

Let you see the results of this next try / fail opportunity.

Wish me luck! Please. I’m gonna need it.

Ideal many life failures thomas edison Google Search

 

 

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The Road Paved With Rejection

Rejection never gets easier. Not for me. I know rejection is the more likely outcome whenever I submit a completed poem or fiction piece or essay.

If for no other reason, than because of the sheer quantity of writing being submitted everywhere. Publications have limited space and unlimited selection. It’s a numbers game.

Rejection Just Ahead Green Road Sign with Dramatic Storm Clouds and Sky.

But when rejection comes, it always feels personal. Even though I understand from a rational standpoint that it isn’t. I feel like I am being told I suck. I don’t matterNothing I do matters. I am the worst writer in the world. Maybe the universe.

As an editor myself who has to parcel out rejection–something that hurts as much as receiving it–I know rejection is about the taste of the people choosing. And their mileage may vary from my own.

Rejection is subjective. Taste is individual. Not absolute.

Editors’ differing aesthetics, their biases, having to read the thousandth dead grandmother poem that month. And their grandmother is in the hospital. And she may not live. Or maybe that editor just discovered their father cheated on their mother with a person who has the same unusual first name as me.

Whatever the reason, rejection still hurts. And for me, it’s a physical pain as well. A blow to the chest, making it hard to breathe. Which makes sense according to MRI research. Rejection lights up the same areas in the brain as physical injury. There’s a great article on the TED site by psychologist Guy Winch that talks about this: Why rejection hurts so much

guy_winch_ted_dawn_kim_rejection_120615

The good news is, once I catch my breath, I’m ready to try submitting again. Mostly because of the voice in my head. Thankfully, that voice belongs not to me, but to my very first poetry mentor, Ottone “Ricky” Riccio, who taught at the Boston Center For Adult Education for several dozen years.

Ricky said, “Don’t call yourself a poet until you’ve received a thousand rejections.” What he really meant was that success at submitting doesn’t make you worthy. Passion for writing makes you a poet. And if you have enough passion that you’ve submitted a thousand or more times, you’ve got what it takes.

By these guidelines, I can call myself a poet many times over. Thousands of rejections.

Ricky didn’t place much value in the hierarchies of literary publishing. He encouraged sharing your work, but getting it out into the world any way you could. He suggested students take a handful of magnets and post poems on the refrigerators in the appliance section at Sears.

Ricky was an early proponent of self-publishing. Way before print-on-demand came into being. Many of his photocopied, hand-stapled collections stand among my all-time favorite poetry collections.

dealing with rejection

In my heart, I know sharing work matters. During my childhood, growing up in harrowing conditions, poetry saved my life. It still does. Every day.

As a child, I saw how people who’d suffered loss, and tragedy, and all kind of hurt, wrote about their experiences in poems. Across distance, time, gender, culture, these folks spoke directly to my wounds. They lived to write about what they’d been through–a testimony to survival, and likely, even thriving.

I’ve come to believe that our words reach those who need them most. However that happens–whether publication in a literary journal, or in the community newsletter, or posting online.

Poetry is my spiritual practice. Getting work into the world is a necessary part of that practice. Rejection is a piece of it as well. And the hurt. So I rest, take some deep breaths, and keep on. I hope you will too.

heart road

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Time Travel Coming Soon!

Some of you know that I’m a huge time travel enthusiast–reading about it, watching movies, delving into the scientific possibilities. 

delaurian

And I’ve always wanted to write a time travel novel.

Well now I finally have!

It’s a romantic adventure called Time Flash: Another Me.

There are no DeLoreans, but there is a wacky scientist.

And a possibly-magical cat.

tt quote smith

I’ll be releasing my novel soon.

Stay tuned for more details!

 

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Reading for Delight

Here’s the thing. I’ve come clean previously on this blog about my depression since the 2016 election and the state of our country and the world. I’ve recently managed to pull myself out of the dark depths, but it takes every ounce of practice and resolve to stay afloat. Self care is hard, especially when we need to be putting positive energy out into the world.

One thing that really helps me is reading for delight. Books that transport me to another world–a world in which the awful things that happen are resolved, and justice prevails. It may be fantasy, but it does give me hope.

Two books which I read recently that have been pure delight, are The Plot is Murder by V. M. Burns and Ghosts in Glass Houses by Kay Charles. Both are cozy mysteries, and in cozies, the world is better at the completion of the story than at its beginning. If only real life was like that!

plot is murder

So much to love about the first book in Burns’ Mystery Bookshop Series. First, is that the lead character  Samantha is a bookstore owner! What writer doesn’t fantasize about that? Second, is that she’s also a writer, writing her own mystery. So there are two mysteries happening concurrently in the book. But what really makes this book special are the senior citizen cast of characters that help Samantha investigate the mystery. They are quirky and fun and lively and radiate joy. I want to be any of them as I head toward Medicare age. Frankly, they not only make me smile, but give me hope for my future.

ghost in glass

Kay Charles’ book is all about voice. The main character Marti is snarky as all get out. She’s sarcastic and funny as she deals with her quite dysfunctional family, some of which are dead and appear to her as ghosts. Haunt and harass her is more like it. The story is all about redemption of one’s sense of self and that too is empowering. This is also a first in a series, and I look forward to the protagonist becoming more and more comfortable in her ghost-seeing skin as the series continues.

Literary fiction that explores the depths of human suffering is a necessary art that informs and inspires. And the beauty of the language can bring delight. But right now, I need more humorous delight in my life. And I am very grateful to authors like V. M. Burns and Kay Charles who brighten my spirits. That is a necessary art as well.

 

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Out into the world…

progress report

 

Met my submission goal for the month of February.

 

Here’s what I sent out into the world:

1 personal essay

1 short story

5 poems to a contest

7 poems to several venues

1 application for a writing class

 

I’ve seen other writers set a goal of 100 rejections per year. I’m going to aim for 180.

 

That means I have to submit at least 15 individual things a month.

 

If I get rejected every time, I will easily slide into my goal.

 

But what if someone says yes?

 

Well then, good problem to have. I’ll just need to keep writing and keep submitting new work.

 

Either way, rejection goal, here I come!

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Coming Clean September 25, 2017

I’ve been very depressed since November 8th of last year. It’s unusual to be able to pinpoint an actual beginning date to depression, but this time the cause was having my worldview, or at least my view of the country I live in, completely pummeled.dep

The explosion of racism and bigotry shocked me. It shouldn’t have. People of color have been getting beaten and murdered by the authorities for years. And there has been no justice. No universal outcry from those who live inside acceptably-toned skin.

But somehow, I didn’t think my friends and neighbors and relatives fell into the vile category of bigots and racists, or supporters of bigots and racists. After the election, I leaned so many do. I’m still not sure how to cope with that knowledge.

Racism and bigotry have been something I’ve had to deal with on a personal level my whole life. I’ve been called the n-word and the s-word, followed around by store detectives in department stores, and profiled in airports, being pulled out of line, wanded, and having my bags searched every time I flew anywhere (up until I hit about 47—guess I’ve gotten too old to be that dangerous?).

My entire life, people have asked, “What are you?”  It’s a question with an agenda.

I’ve suffered bouts of depression throughout my life—some strictly biological, some related to what’s going on in my life, some related to the state of the world. And when the depression hits hard, it’s almost impossible for me to verbalize why I stop feeling able to go on and why even the most minute tasks—like brushing my teeth—require monumental psychic effort.

With the depression, comes marginal functionality, at best, and a complete inability to function creatively. I have been a nonwriting writer for many months. And you know what Kafka had to say about that: A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.

A lot of people who know me, would never know I am depressed. That’s because I hide it well. I don’t want to burden others with my depression. I don’t want to pass on negative energy. Being an introvert, I shun as much social interaction as I can get away with. But with depression, it’s that much harder.

Things came to a head at the end of this summer, as close to the edge of the abyss as I’ve come in a long time. I thought about ways to end it all, but thankfully, did not get beyond the thoughts.

I have inverse SAD, where exposure to sunshine incites my depression. This was my first summer in Oregon and it was unbearably sunny for weeks on end. People think it’s weird all I want to do all summer is hide inside. But I do it for survival. Part of the problem is, I guess, is I didn’t hide quite enough.

Now, major populations around the world and in our own country are being devastatingly impacted by fires, floods, hurricanes, and earthquakes. And the truth is, I feel guilty about wanting to feel better. I feel it’s wrong for me to start feeling better when the suffering for others is only getting worse.

But I do want to feel better. And I am finally taking active steps to do so. I appreciate all those in my life who continue to be supportive and empathetic. Thank you for your understanding and patience.

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Tagged by Jason Jack Miller: LIEBSTER AWARD

LIEBSTER AWARD blog meme!

Jason Jack Miller tagged me in a ten question blog hop known as the LIEBSTER AWARD.

1. Where did the idea for your current Work-in-Progress (WIP) come from?

time machine

I’ve been obsessed with time-travel stories for as long as I can remember. H.G. Wells’ The Time Machine was the first time travel story I fell in love with. There have been many since. Plus I’ve watched Back to the Future at least 37 times. My first attempt at a novel had to feature time travel.

 doc

 

2. Quote a favorite line from one of your favorite books.

DavidGerroldQuote

 

3. Now quote your favorite line from your current WIP.

 TimeFlashMeme

 

4. What unique challenges has your current WIP had that your previous ones did not?

My current WIP is my first fiction WIP. Being the first, there are lots of challenges. Like, can I even create a story worth a reader’s time? Can I create characters that readers will care about? Can my story matter to anyone but me?

The jury is still out.

 

5. If you saw your main character at a party, how would you react?

CocktailParty

I’m not really a party person. But if I saw Sara García at a party, I would probably admire her from afar. She’d be more likely to start a conversation with me than the other way around.

 

6. Who would play your main protagonist/antagonist if your current WIP were made into a movie?

For Sara, somebody like Salma Hayek, only rounder. Here’s Salma pregnant:

SaraGaricaLookAlike

My antagonist is an evil corporation, similar to the Umbrella Corporation from Resident Evil. Only more evil.
Umbrella-Corporation

 

 

7. What are your biggest inspirations for writing?

8e2953ce01bdd8d416aa80c54d7523df

What George said. My inner demons make me do it. But seriously, stories help us understand who we are, help us to learn, to become our best selves.

My WIP is dedicated to my brother Alan who died in 2010. Being older, he controlled the TV in our house when we were kids and turned me into a Science Fiction geek. Time Flash: Another Me would not exist if not for Alan.

 

8. Summarize your WIP as a haiku.

Can a woman on a diet
foil an evil corporation?
Cat.

cat cereal

 

9. What role does music play in your writing?

LennonQuote

The music that you listen to gets encoded into your experiences of different points in time. Songs remind you who you were and what you felt and thought and wanted—recalls to you all your past selves. Songs become our personal anthems. I often use music as a way of getting into my writing.

In Time Flash: Another Me, songs Sara hears on the radio when she time travels into the past, tell her who she was, who she hoped to become, and help her recognize what matters. Music helps her navigate through her past and make her way toward her heroic destiny.

 

10. What’s one thing you’ve learned about the craft that you wish you had learned earlier?

I was frustrated early on with my attempts at writing fiction, because everything I wrote was terrible.

No one told me it would always be that way. I’m not saying my poetry arrives full blown onto the page, but it sure requires less blotting out.

bad words

My first attempts at story are crap. They always will be. No matter how many words I’ve written before. The good words elude me.

If I had known that it was normal, and I would never get better at first drafts, I might not have given up.

rewrite

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