Coming Clean September 25, 2017

I’ve been very depressed since November 8th of last year. It’s unusual to be able to pinpoint an actual beginning date to depression, but this time the cause was having my worldview, or at least my view of the country I live in, completely pummeled.dep

The explosion of racism and bigotry shocked me. It shouldn’t have. People of color have been getting beaten and murdered by the authorities for years. And there has been no justice. No universal outcry from those who live inside acceptably-toned skin.

But somehow, I didn’t think my friends and neighbors and relatives fell into the vile category of bigots and racists, or supporters of bigots and racists. After the election, I leaned so many do. I’m still not sure how to cope with that knowledge.

Racism and bigotry have been something I’ve had to deal with on a personal level my whole life. I’ve been called the n-word and the s-word, followed around by store detectives in department stores, and profiled in airports, being pulled out of line, wanded, and having my bags searched every time I flew anywhere (up until I hit about 47—guess I’ve gotten too old to be that dangerous?).

My entire life, people have asked, “What are you?”  It’s a question with an agenda.

I’ve suffered bouts of depression throughout my life—some strictly biological, some related to what’s going on in my life, some related to the state of the world. And when the depression hits hard, it’s almost impossible for me to verbalize why I stop feeling able to go on and why even the most minute tasks—like brushing my teeth—require monumental psychic effort.

With the depression, comes marginal functionality, at best, and a complete inability to function creatively. I have been a nonwriting writer for many months. And you know what Kafka had to say about that: A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.

A lot of people who know me, would never know I am depressed. That’s because I hide it well. I don’t want to burden others with my depression. I don’t want to pass on negative energy. Being an introvert, I shun as much social interaction as I can get away with. But with depression, it’s that much harder.

Things came to a head at the end of this summer, as close to the edge of the abyss as I’ve come in a long time. I thought about ways to end it all, but thankfully, did not get beyond the thoughts.

I have inverse SAD, where exposure to sunshine incites my depression. This was my first summer in Oregon and it was unbearably sunny for weeks on end. People think it’s weird all I want to do all summer is hide inside. But I do it for survival. Part of the problem is, I guess, is I didn’t hide quite enough.

Now, major populations around the world and in our own country are being devastatingly impacted by fires, floods, hurricanes, and earthquakes. And the truth is, I feel guilty about wanting to feel better. I feel it’s wrong for me to start feeling better when the suffering for others is only getting worse.

But I do want to feel better. And I am finally taking active steps to do so. I appreciate all those in my life who continue to be supportive and empathetic. Thank you for your understanding and patience.

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Tagged by Jason Jack Miller: LIEBSTER AWARD


Jason Jack Miller tagged me in a ten question blog hop known as the LIEBSTER AWARD.

1. Where did the idea for your current Work-in-Progress (WIP) come from?

time machine

I’ve been obsessed with time-travel stories for as long as I can remember. H.G. Wells’ The Time Machine was the first time travel story I fell in love with. There have been many since. Plus I’ve watched Back to the Future at least 37 times. My first attempt at a novel had to feature time travel.



2. Quote a favorite line from one of your favorite books.



3. Now quote your favorite line from your current WIP.



4. What unique challenges has your current WIP had that your previous ones did not?

My current WIP is my first fiction WIP. Being the first, there are lots of challenges. Like, can I even create a story worth a reader’s time? Can I create characters that readers will care about? Can my story matter to anyone but me?

The jury is still out.


5. If you saw your main character at a party, how would you react?


I’m not really a party person. But if I saw Sara García at a party, I would probably admire her from afar. She’d be more likely to start a conversation with me than the other way around.


6. Who would play your main protagonist/antagonist if your current WIP were made into a movie?

For Sara, somebody like Salma Hayek, only rounder. Here’s Salma pregnant:


My antagonist is an evil corporation, similar to the Umbrella Corporation from Resident Evil. Only more evil.



7. What are your biggest inspirations for writing?


What George said. My inner demons make me do it. But seriously, stories help us understand who we are, help us to learn, to become our best selves.

My WIP is dedicated to my brother Alan who died in 2010. Being older, he controlled the TV in our house when we were kids and turned me into a Science Fiction geek. Time Flash: Another Me would not exist if not for Alan.


8. Summarize your WIP as a haiku.

Can a woman on a diet
foil an evil corporation?

cat cereal


9. What role does music play in your writing?


The music that you listen to gets encoded into your experiences of different points in time. Songs remind you who you were and what you felt and thought and wanted—recalls to you all your past selves. Songs become our personal anthems. I often use music as a way of getting into my writing.

In Time Flash: Another Me, songs Sara hears on the radio when she time travels into the past, tell her who she was, who she hoped to become, and help her recognize what matters. Music helps her navigate through her past and make her way toward her heroic destiny.


10. What’s one thing you’ve learned about the craft that you wish you had learned earlier?

I was frustrated early on with my attempts at writing fiction, because everything I wrote was terrible.

No one told me it would always be that way. I’m not saying my poetry arrives full blown onto the page, but it sure requires less blotting out.

bad words

My first attempts at story are crap. They always will be. No matter how many words I’ve written before. The good words elude me.

If I had known that it was normal, and I would never get better at first drafts, I might not have given up.


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